Words I Should've Said
by EverAbernathyFan
Summary: James and Lily sit together on the night of October 31st. They find an old journal, and inside a letter. Estella had a few words for the couple, words that could have saved their lives if they would have listened before hand. Words that changed the couple right before their own demise.(Contains death.)


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I only own Estella, as she is my character I made up. If I did own Harry Potter, James and Regulus would not have died. Just saying.

James and Lily Potter sat inside their home, seated on the floor in front of a few boxes. It was October, and they had long since been in hiding. They trusted only Peter Pettigrew with the information of where their safe house was located. This was the one mistake that would cost them everything. However, all seemed calm for the time being. They were going through a few things from their time at school. Their time as students at Hogwarts. That time had been full of mostly arguing between them, but had grown into something else through the time there. By seventh year, they both had fallen completely for each other.

Lily picks up a small, leather bound book. Her thin eyebrows creased together as she held it in her long, thin fingers. She held it delicately, as if it would break in her bare hands. Their child had been sitting in James' arms, but was, for once, not the center of her attention. This small book was. She hadn't seen it in such a long time. She had believed it to be gone forever, made it's way out of their lives. However, here it was, sitting in her hands.

"James...why do we have this?" Lily asked, turning her head to look right at him. It was straining for her to speak, as if someone was clenching tight around her throat. She couldn't believe it, this could not really be here.

James didn't seem as surprised, however, instead, seemed guilty. His expression showed that he knew something that his wife did not. His brown eyes looked slightly down to meet with Lily's emerald green ones. "I found her in Diagon Alley a few months ago. I found it in my bag later on. By the time I realized what it was, she was...already...it was too late. So I put it here, with the rest of the stuff. I really wanted to give it back but she was..." James didn't bother to finish the sentence there. Honestly, he didn't think he could. They all knew what had happened to the owner of that book, and had tried to forget about it. For a while, it had worked. Life went on. However, now it was here and all the memories raced back to slap the two of them in the face. For once, James was thankful that little Harry was fast asleep.

"And you never told me you had it?" Lily asked, a slightly hurt tone in her voice. James just looked down in response, not wanting to explain anything. "I think we should read it."

At that, the twenty-one year old looked up to meet his wife's gaze. He realized then that she meant it, and that he agreed with her. James nodded and gently set his son on the floor in his bundle of blankets. He would be preoccupied by a couple of his toys, leaving his parents the time to go through this small, leather bound book.

Taking a deep breath, James nodded. Lily bit her lip softly and opened the first page of the book. A small piece of paper fell out of the front, and being curious, Lily decided to begin with that before any of the handwritten words in the book.

Dear James,

By the time you read this letter, it would have been too late. I know it would have, because right now I'm controlling my fate for the first time in a long time. I am so scared, though, it has become obvious on why I wasn't a Gryffindor like you. James, I don't know how you're always so brave. I try to do this one brave act, and I'm already thinking about not doing it. But I know I have to. But my heart is pounding so fast as I think about it. But I have my eyes set on the end. I can control my end, as well as the effects. I know what this will do to a few people, and yet, I'm still going to do it. I just hope it can make up for the years I didn't talk to you.

But first, I have to tell my story. Please just listen. Please do. I have to know that you gave me a chance. Please.

I'm in love with Regulus Black.

There, I told you. I love your best friend's 'evil' younger brother. But the thing is, he's not evil. In fact, he's just the opposite. He is so amazing. He just wanted his older brother to find something in him to be proud of. In that fact, us two are the same. Were, I mean. I still can't get over the fact that he's really gone. Can you? Well, I guess you can. You never knew him. Not like I did.. I don't think Sirius cared that he was dead. For that, I despise your friend. I apologize.

For the rest of my story. If you don't want to hear the rest, that's okay. Just know that I will miss you, and that I'm sorry.

In my first year, everything began just as I'd hoped it would. You introduced me to your friends, although I already knew who they were. Sirius and Remus were over at our house quite often during that summer. I always hoped you guys would be partially decent to me on that train ride. And you were. You all were ready to hang out with me, even, for the rest of the year. Until the sorting began. That's when things fell apart.

Just so you know, James, I hadn't wanted to be Slytherin. Not at the beginning. I wanted to be like you, make my older brother proud of me. Guess I did just the opposite, huh? You ignored me after that. I guess it would have been better if you teased and taunted me like you did the other Slytherins. But no. You just pretended I never existed. Estella Potter did not exist in your mind.

But she existed in Regulus' mind. He and I spoke near the end of the first year. We both spoke about our older brothers, James. Well, he did with ease. I did with great difficulty. By the end, I was fighting back tears. I couldn't talk about the brother I'd disappointed for long.

By the end of that year, I had nearly forgotten about you. Regulus and I were so close. Just about as close as you and Sirius were. Remember during the summer, when I invited him over? That was a disaster. I had been so upset during the summer, seeing you and all of your friends all the time. I invited him over and you blew up practically. You were screaming and threatened to hex me unless he left. I never saw you so...I'd never seen you like that before. I haven't seen you like that since. We both had left after that. I bet you had fun explaining to Mum and Dad why their daughter was gone that night. And the next three days. And the next month. The rest of the summer.

That summer I had been introduced to a whole new life basically. I had met Bellatrix Black, Narcissa Black, and Lucius Malfoy. Bellatrix was in Reg and I's year, while Narcissa and Lucius were two years older. They explained to me their beliefs. How if I were truly committed to being close to them, that I would have to believe it, too. Well, Bellatrix did, not anyone else. I finally agreed to it, too.

During second and third year, I truly began to believe it, though. At first I just said I did, so I could continue having actual friends. But it had grown into another thing. I truly believed everything that they did. And you hated me for it. As Sirius began staying at our house more and more, I began staying with the Blacks. Mostly it'd be with Bellatrix and Narcissa. Those were the years that being completely invisible began to diminish. You began to notice me a bit more, I think. Only not in the good way.

In fourth year, a new addition to our group was introduced. Severus Snape. He had been Lily's friend. I knew you taunted him mercilessly. I made it my goal to be close with him. As close as I could. You hated it so much. But by that point, I didn't care. I was more open with my beliefs, like the rest of our group was, that year. They commended me for it. But the thing is, I wasn't guilty when I called people Mudbloods. I mean, I guess I was a little bit. But not enough for me to stop.

Fifth year. I began dating Regulus that year. Did you notice, James? Did you notice that your younger sister had her first boyfriend that year? If you did, you made no move to show it. We also had our first kiss that year, Regulus and I. That was when I opened up and said I was truly hurt that you hated me. I knew you hated me, because the feeling of not existing was back. I've always hated that feeling. But I don't think you ever noticed that I hated it.

In sixth year, Regulus and I broke up. It was so bad that I began drifting from the group slightly. I think you noticed. That was the year that you actually said a few words to me. And they weren't hurtful either. You asked me how I'd been. You asked me if I wanted to hang out later. I politely refused. I had Quidditch practice later. But that night, James, I skipped Quidditch practice. Because Regulus was the seeker for our team. I don't think I ever told you how heartbroken I had been over him. You're my brother and I never spilled anything to you. I never asked for your help in anything. How awful is that? I had begun dating a few other people that year, though none of them lasting more than a week. Even those were only for the snogging for them, I think. Because I had really developed that year. I really did. Mum told me I was on my way to becoming an independent woman. I told her I already was.

You were gone during my seventh year. I think that was the year I needed help the most. I needed my older brother but you were already graduated. I was ready to slip past my pride to get help from you, too. But you weren't there. I was so confused about everything. My beliefs, my friends, Regulus. The more Regulus and I fought, the more my friends would side with him. Except Bellatrix. She would always side with me, and for that, I was grateful. But by spring, we were together again, Regulus and I. I wanted to tell you that I thought I had finally found the right one. But you were already too distant.

Graduation. I joined the Death Eaters with Bellatrix and Regulus the summer after I graduated from Hogwarts. We were discussing the Order of the Phoenix a couple months later. I was told then that you and Lily Evans had wed. I missed your wedding. You never told me. I was hurt then. I think that began my unraveling for sure. That night, I had cried and cried and only Regulus was there for me. I began questioning everything when I was eighteen. Only Regulus and Bellatrix got me to believe in everything again. For the safety of both myself, and who I was carrying around with me.

Yeah, that's right. I was pregnant. And you didn't know. I owled Lily a bit after my baby was born. Did you know that? I asked her to tell you that I had a son. We had decided in seventh year if we ever had a son we'd name him after our brothers. The ones we looked up to so much throughout our years. The ones we actually missed desperately. Sirius James. That was my son's name. No, is. That is his name.

But Regulus never saw our son. He was dead before that could happen. He never told me his plan. We were eighteen and I was very pregnant then. We had been married for less than a year.I found out that he had betrayed the Dark Lord. He wrote me a letter. For the sake of our privacy, I'm not going to tell you exactly what it said. But he wanted me to be safe. For Sirius James. He also wanted me to find you and Lily.

I couldn't do it. Not until little below three years had passed. Sirius James was two, almost three, years old. I was walking around Diagon Alley with him, when I was twenty. He had my hazel eyes and his father's curly black hair. I think you were surprised when you found us. I knew it was you instantly, honestly. We began talking and talking. Catching up in a very awkward manner. You still had that feeling that I was a Slytherin. You guessed that I was a Death Eater. And I told you straight out that I was. But that I regretted it very much. You asked who the father of my son was. I told you I didn't know. I made up a name for him, you know. At that time, I didn't want you to know. That would involve too much explaining.

I finished this letter when you went to go find Lily and your two year old son. I will tell you my plan. Go into hiding. Now. There was a prophecy, you know. A child born at the end of July will be the fall of the Dark Lord. I await that day with hope in my heart. But I also know that your son was born in that same time. The Dark Lord will come after you, you know. To stop the prophecy from coming true. I want to make up for all of the hurt I've caused. The riff between the family. So please, go into hiding and keep you and your family safe.

I'm risking my life for it. Tomorrow I will tell Bellatrix that I told you. She will most likely tell him. If she does, I'll be dead by evening. If she doesn't, then Sirius James will have a mother. I don't know what will become of him, but I hope he ends up okay. I honestly do. But I have to make up for everything I caused. I want to make up for my mistakes in this world.

I only wish I could have been a better sister to you, and a better mother to my son.

~Estella "Essie" Black

James and Lily looked between each other, tears in each of their eyes. The wedding must have been in secret, because when both of the Slytherins died, everyone stated that they were single. Why had they kept that a secret? James felt a pang of guilt as he realized he basically caused his sister to become a Death Eater, thus causing her death indirectly. He also realized that if he had read the letter, her death would not have been in vain. He had found out the information of the prophecy in October of this year, but she had meant to tell him all the way back in June. That information would have been useful earlier. It might've caused less deaths to happen.

Lily and James sat together, pausing a moment. They tried to take it all in before they read the actual journal. But before they could begin, Harry began to wake up. He began to cry, and James stepped over to entertain his son. For the time being he had moved Harry to the center of attention, leaving Lily to think about the letter. She partially watched James entertain Harry with his wand, though, she was also thinking about it. It sounded as if her and Estella could have been friends, if James and her had spoken more. If she had not been introduced to the wrong group.

There was a sound outside the door. It was strange, considering the house had been hidden. The only person who knew where it was was Peter Pettigrew. So was it him? Or had he betrayed them? No. He wouldn't have, James thought to himself. He stood up, forgetting his wand on the couch, and moved over to the front door. It was then that he was met with Lord Voldemort. No. Peter had betrayed them. The Potters were now in serious danger.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!" James shouted, moving to grab his wand from his pocket. However, he realized then that his wand was not with him. He had left it on the couch. If he could just get over there...no. As far as he knew, Lily and Harry were still there. He couldn't lead this man towards his family. James would just have to figure out a way to do it without his wand.

He didn't last a minute. There was a sharp bright green light, and then James found himself falling to the ground. That was the last thing he remembered.

**All except for the faces of Estella and Regulus, and then the face of Lily only moments later.**


End file.
